It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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