I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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