Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
