i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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