Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
