You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I checked into jail on foursquare
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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