anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
