Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
