my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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