I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
