So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My ATM looks so different sober.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
