i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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