who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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