New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
