why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
