I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
