Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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