Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Everyone says I win the strip club
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
