After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
