I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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