drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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