I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
