she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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