Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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