She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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