my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
