I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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