I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
