i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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