I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
