I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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