burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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