Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
