Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
