Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
