All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Bring me that man meat
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