Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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