he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I forget how to act sober
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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