Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
