On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
