yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
