I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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