Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
