Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
