I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Randomize
