Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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