the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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