And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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