Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
