omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize