No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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