im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
