I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
