So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
