a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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