he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
