I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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