ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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