someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
