If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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