there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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