I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Swine flu is the new snow day.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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